Funny Joke Thread

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the morning and went home. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was more drunk the night before. The first says, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw!"
The third says, "I was the most drunk by far. When I got home, I knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again,
"Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."



A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.
 
NEVAR gonna happen! :p


^^^ LMAO! :laugh::laugh:




Hmmmmm......


Hey guys... How come there are no mexican olympics???













...........Cuz all the ones that could run, jump, and swim are already across the border... :p




*LOOKS AROUND* lol




There is a plane crash, and there are only 3 survivors on a raft in the ocean. It's a white guy, a black guy, and a russian... They all decide to sacrifice something that they had in hopes that making the sacrifice would bring good fortune...

The black guy pulls out a bag of weed, throws it overboard, and says "We got so much of this, I could give it up to stay alive."

The russian grabs his bottle of Vodka, throws it overboard, and says "I lose my Vodka to be able to go back to Russia and drinks some more..."

The white guy says "We got too many of these where I come from...." He grabbed the black guy and threw him off the boat......






There are three guys that just escaped from being held hostage. They have no idea where they are but keep running because they are being chased. They come across a cliff and waterfall. The three pause and wonder what to do, when a magic genie appears out of nowhere.. The genie tells them that he will help them escape but the only way they can get free is if they run at full speed, jump off the cliff, and wish to be transformed into something else to escape. But they must shout what they want to be as they jump...

The first guy, runs at full speed, jumps off the cliff, shouts and wishes to be an eagle. He is transformed into an eagle and flies away.

The second guy, runs at full speed, jumps off the waterfall, shouts and wishes to be a turtle. He is transformed into a turtle and lands into the water and swims away.

The third guy, runs at full speed, jumps off the cliff and shouts, " OOooOOoooOOhh SHIT!!!"
 
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the next time your having a bad day, imagine this:

youre a siamese twin

your brother,attached at ur shoulder, is gay.

your not.

he has a date coming over tonight.

you only have one ASS...
 
.... Fidel castro dies, walks up to the gates of heaven and says'', god! how ya doing? im here!" god says," uh, let me check my book, see if ur on the list, if you are ill let u into heaven." so god starts flippn through pages, keeps looking for castros name but nothing. god looks at castro and says sorry buddy, ur names not on the list, go down stairs and talk to the devil. so castro says ok. as castro enters hell, the devil says" castro!! how ya doing? ive been waiting for you. castro replies god said i cant get into heaven and sent me here to see, if my names on ur list. the devil takes out his book, checks the list and says'"YEP! ur names right here! castro replies, ok but i have togo back to heaven, i left my luggage there. the devil says nonsense, ill send these to slaves to get it. the 2 slaves goto heaven, ring the bell at the gate, god opens the gate and says,"NO WAY, CASTRO GOES TO HELL AND ALREADY THERE ARE 2 REFUGEES HERE!!!!
 
the next time your having a bad day, imagine this:

youre a siamese twin

your brother,attached at ur shoulder, is gay.

your not.

he has a date coming over tonight.

you only have one ASS...
that joke has already been made.....
bad_day.jpg
 
This white guy marries a Japanese mail-order bride. She doesn't speak any English. During sex she always starts screaming "YOSHI DOSHI, YOSHI DOSHI!!!" and her husband interprets this as meaning "Very Good!".

A few months later, the husband goes out golfing with some Japanese business associates. The one fellow gets a hole in one and the husband figures he'll impress the guy so he claps his hands and yells "YOSHI DOSHI!!!"

The Japanese guy gets really pissed off and yells back "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
 
This white guy marries a Japanese mail-order bride. She doesn't speak any English. During sex she always starts screaming "YOSHI DOSHI, YOSHI DOSHI!!!" and her husband interprets this as meaning "Very Good!".

A few months later, the husband goes out golfing with some Japanese business associates. The one fellow gets a hole in one and the husband figures he'll impress the guy so he claps his hands and yells "YOSHI DOSHI!!!"

The Japanese guy gets really pissed off and yells back "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

lol that made me giggle irl.

There are three guys stuck on a remote island. A few days later, they find a magic genie lamp in the sand. The three huddle up, rub the lamp and the lamps genie appeared.

The genie comes out and tells the guys that he will grant them each, one wish.

The first guy wishes to return home and be reunited with his family, and the genie sent him home.

The second guy wishes to be sent to Hawaii to spend the rest of his life living in Hawaii and vacationing since everyone thinks they are dead anyways... The genie sent him to Hawaii...

The third guy comes and says "Wow... I'm lonely, I wish I had my friends back..."


lmao that reminds me of a joke i heard on boondock saints...
 
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http://www.japanprobe.com/?p=6088

YouTube - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Ken Y-N and the Overthinker have adapted a famous scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail to fit Debito Arudou’s complaints over the use of the term “gaijin” [THIS IS A JOKE.]:

JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old gaijin!
DEBITO: Nihonjin!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old Nihonjin, sorry. You speak Japanese very well, ne?
DEBITO: I’m forty-three.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
DEBITO: I’m forty-three — I’m not old!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I can’t just call you `Nihonjin’.
DEBITO: Well, you could say `Debito’.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Debito.’
DEBITO: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I did say sorry about the `old gaijin,’ but from the behind you looked–
DEBITO: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I AM a policeman…
DEBITO: Oh policeman, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the gaijin — by ‘angin’ on to outdated racist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–
WOMAN: Debito, there’s some lovely porn down here. Oh — how d’you do?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: How do you do, good lady. I am a Japanese Policeman. Whose foreigner rights lobby is that?
WOMAN: A what policeman?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Japanese.
WOMAN: Who are the Japanese?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, we all are. We’re all Japanese and I am a policeman.
WOMAN: I didn’t know we had police. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DEBITO: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the gaijin classes–
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing race into it again.
DEBITO: That’s what it’s all about, if only people would–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who works in that foreigner rights lobby?
WOMAN: No one works there.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Then who is your mentor?
WOMAN: We don’t have a mentor.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
DEBITO: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes.
DEBITO: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes, I see.
DEBITO: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
DEBITO: –but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DEBITO: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I am a policeman!
DEBITO: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: You don’t vote for policemen.
DEBITO: Well, ‘ow did you become a policeman then?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: The Minister of Police,
[angels sing]
his arm clad in the purest shimmering blue cotton, held aloft the Keisatsu Techo from the bosom of the Diet, signifying by Imperial Providence that I, a Japanese Policeman, was to carry the Techo.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DEBITO: Listen — strange ministers lying in diets distributing techo is no basis for a system of government. Supreme residential power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical parliamentary ceremony.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
DEBITO: Well you can’t expect to wield supreme judiciary power just ’cause some drunken minister threw a techo at you!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
DEBITO: I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was a copper just because some moistened bint had lobbed a techo at me they’d put me away!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DEBITO: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
DEBITO: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Bloody gaijin!
DEBITO: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?
 
China is ready for the Olympics and the resulting influx of English speaking tourists...



mail

Which is one step up from just lovely.


mail

But taste like cat...




mail

Here, crippie, take my seat.


mail

Great with flied lice

(robster, rob?)




mail

A separate entrance for Hos.....why didn't I think of that?




mail

Sounds better than canned water, doesn't it?



mail

Go over there to die, please. Thank you.



mail

Good to know!


mail

Not nice. Some of my best friends are liquor heads.



mail

Look up and down the aisle twice before proceeding...


mail

Much tastier that the grown up variety...

mail

It would be once you start chewing on it...


mail

Starbucks should be very afraid!


mail

I wouldn't tickle this one!



mail

Weird, because horsebeans sound delicious.




mail

Where every fashion aficionado in China shops!!!


mail

I knew it!!!


mail

What?


mail

If there's one thing we don't need help with....




mail

'See you after the flight, Uncle Randy!'



mail

So this is where all they all end up.


mail

For your linkles...


mail

Treat yourself to a fine piece of ass tonight...
 
China is ready for the Olympics and the resulting influx of English speaking tourists...



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.1&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Which is one step up from just lovely.


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.2&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
But taste like cat...




https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.3&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Here, crippie, take my seat.


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.4&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Great with flied lice

(robster, rob?)




https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.5&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
A separate entrance for Hos.....why didn't I think of that?




https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.6&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Sounds better than canned water, doesn't it?



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.7&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Go over there to die, please. Thank you.



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.8&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Good to know!


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.9&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Not nice. Some of my best friends are liquor heads.



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.10&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Look up and down the aisle twice before proceeding...


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.11&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Much tastier that the grown up variety...

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.12&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
It would be once you start chewing on it...


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.13&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Starbucks should be very afraid!


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.14&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
I wouldn't tickle this one!



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.15&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Weird, because horsebeans sound delicious.




https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.16&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Where every fashion aficionado in China shops!!!


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.17&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
I knew it!!!


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.18&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
What?


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.19&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
If there's one thing we don't need help with....




https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.20&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
'See you after the flight, Uncle Randy!'



https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.21&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
So this is where all they all end up.


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.22&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
For your linkles...


https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=dc423136dc&attid=0.23&disp=emb&view=att&th=11c9c9d732764021
Treat yourself to a fine piece of ass tonight...


you fail 24 times in a row!
 
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac. "
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
 
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