Official: Joke of the Day thread!!
- Thread starter BiG MiKE
- Start date
((plots on stealing new panda))
whiterabbit7500
Spectator
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.â€
“No, no,†the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.â€
“No, no,†the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
BiG MiKE
Driver
A few jokes
^^lmao!!!
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
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Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
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A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?â€
The father says, “Making a puppy.†So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?â€
The father replies, “Making a baby.â€
The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy.â€
^^lmao!!!
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?â€
The father says, “Making a puppy.†So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?â€
The father replies, “Making a baby.â€
The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy.â€
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hahaha that was good!!
A man from the army and a man from the navy are in a bathroom using the urinals. The man from the navy finishes and walks to the sink and starts washing his hands. The man from the army finishes and heads for the door. The man from the navy turns and says to the man in the army "hey in the navy were taught to wash our hands after we use the bathroom" the man from the army turns around and says "yeah well in the army were taught to not piss on our hands".
A man from the army and a man from the navy are in a bathroom using the urinals. The man from the navy finishes and walks to the sink and starts washing his hands. The man from the army finishes and heads for the door. The man from the navy turns and says to the man in the army "hey in the navy were taught to wash our hands after we use the bathroom" the man from the army turns around and says "yeah well in the army were taught to not piss on our hands".
BiG MiKE
Driver
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sh*t.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
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Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.†The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.â€
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sh*t.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
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Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.†The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.â€
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whiterabbit7500
Spectator
A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing a pair of shorts made from Saran wrap.
So the psychologist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.â€
_________________________
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
______________________________________________________________
While on a state visit to England, George Bush meets the queen and proclaims, “As I’m the president of America, I’m thinking of changing how my great country is referred to. It should be called a kingdom.â€
The queen replies, “I’m sorry, Mr. Bush, but to be a kingdom, you have to have a king in charge, and you’re not a king.â€
George Bush thinks for a moment and then asks, “How about a principality then?â€
The queen replies, “Again, to be a principality, you have to be a prince, and you’re not a prince, Mr. Bush.â€
Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with another option. “How about an empire?â€
Getting a little annoyed by now, the queen replies, “Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge, and you are not an emperor.â€
Before Bush could utter another word, the queen offers solace. “Don’t worry, Mr. Bush, under yourleadership, America is perfect as a country.â€
So the psychologist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.â€
_________________________
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
______________________________________________________________
While on a state visit to England, George Bush meets the queen and proclaims, “As I’m the president of America, I’m thinking of changing how my great country is referred to. It should be called a kingdom.â€
The queen replies, “I’m sorry, Mr. Bush, but to be a kingdom, you have to have a king in charge, and you’re not a king.â€
George Bush thinks for a moment and then asks, “How about a principality then?â€
The queen replies, “Again, to be a principality, you have to be a prince, and you’re not a prince, Mr. Bush.â€
Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with another option. “How about an empire?â€
Getting a little annoyed by now, the queen replies, “Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge, and you are not an emperor.â€
Before Bush could utter another word, the queen offers solace. “Don’t worry, Mr. Bush, under yourleadership, America is perfect as a country.â€
BiG MiKE
Driver
Post-Drinking Dry Cleaning
"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."
"Just gimme another drink."
"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."
"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"
He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too."
"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."
"Just gimme another drink."
"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."
"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"
He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too."
whiterabbit7500
Spectator
A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, “Dad, am I a pure polar bear—you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?â€
“Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?â€
“Because I’m fuckin’ cold.â€
___________________________________-
A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items.
The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me. I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?â€
The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice titsâ€
___________________________________________-
A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker.
While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, “Ding Wa! Ding Wa!†Thinking that this must mean “great†or “awesome,†he prepares to use it to impress his business associates.
So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, “Ding Wa!â€
The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks “What do you mean ‘wrong hole?’â€
“Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?â€
“Because I’m fuckin’ cold.â€
___________________________________-
A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items.
The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me. I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?â€
The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice titsâ€
___________________________________________-
A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker.
While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, “Ding Wa! Ding Wa!†Thinking that this must mean “great†or “awesome,†he prepares to use it to impress his business associates.
So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, “Ding Wa!â€
The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks “What do you mean ‘wrong hole?’â€
aNna
Spectator
lmfao, guess its my turn...
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life gets funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
And that's when the fight started . . .
And that's when the fight started . . .
BiG MiKE
Driver
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies : "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies : "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
BiG MiKE
Driver
A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a
special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex
for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired. "We
are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was
difficult...however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold shower s, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
But, one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just
had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud,
passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were
both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means
you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
Home Depot either."
special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex
for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired. "We
are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was
difficult...however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold shower s, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
But, one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just
had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud,
passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were
both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means
you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
Home Depot either."
thats fucked up lol
aNna
Spectator
this one always makes me smile if not laugh.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." He sighed ..
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." He sighed ..
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
BiG MiKE
Driver
Confucius Say
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.